I Don’t Want to Lose You

I don’t really know how to start.  I get the feeling that I lost two friends that mean the world to me and I think I know exactly why and I’m so sorry.  I don’t really know what to do about it and I get it if they don’t want to talk to me anymore.  It’s completely understandable and I guess I just need some sort of closure.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry for not being able to pick you up at the airport.  If I had my way, I would’ve picked you up anyway, no matter what happened.  I ended up screaming at my mother to let me do so, but, you guys know my mother.  She can be so paranoid sometimes, and her thought process no longer makes sense.  It stopped making sense in Junior year and I love her to death but I’m so glad I live on my own now.  I’m so sorry though.  It was unforgivable to do that to you and to just leave you on your own.  I felt so horrid that I didn’t know how to face either of you at KCon.  You guys have been there for me through some of the worst parts of my life.  You’ve seen me fall apart and you’ve seen me in downright despair.  You put up with my lying problem and forgave me for it.  You guys were there when I was stuck with a man that I didn’t want to be with and that sexually assaulted me and helped me fight through my mother’s menopause.  I guess I just don’t want to lose you guys in this way and honestly I’d do anything to have you guys back but I get it.  Friends drift away and I get that.  I guess I just want to know if I did anything wrong to make you guys leave.  Cause I’ve done a lot wrong and I never treated you guys the way you should have been treated and I’m so sorry.  Maybe it’s my anxiety talking, maybe it’s not.  You guys put up with a lot and for that I am thankful.  You guys did a lot for me and it’s not something that I could ever forget.  Maybe I’m just scared.  I’ve lost a lot of people recently.  Sorry.

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Something Personal

My boss is dying. His timeline is down to 1-2 months. I had a nightmare that I sat by his gravestone, painting upon it memories of good times gone by. I woke up and found that his cancer came back, rearing an ugly head that once severed grows twice back. I don’t know what do anymore. Where to run, where to hide. I need rest. A moment’s break. What do I do now?

Tired

I am so tired. So tired of getting nowhere. One step forward, two steps back, a constant rhythmic dance to no place in particular. I have worked so hard to get to such a confused state of mind that I’m not sure what to do. I love my family and I love them so much it hurts. To even think of doing what I want to do, to even try to attempt it, I don’t know. I don’t know what they want anymore. I am deplorable. Unable to fulfill the commands of parents. Unable to decide for myself. What can I do? I am so tired. I’m making steps forward on a rocky road, but I am doing it barefoot and it hurts. It is so painful. I want to sit down and lay my head to rest, I am so tired. I just want to pursue a dream, a dream my sibling is allowed to pursue and yet I am not. In the name of education, I will risk a life of misery. But I don’t want to. And yet, how can I leave them be? To fend for themselves? To leave them here with faces of disappointment at the person I did not become and the person that I want to be. I am so tired of working so hard to get nothing done. To watch myself go into a hole. To watch as opportunities pass me by. I am so tired of living alone in a house full of people. To watch as they smile. So proud. Of who I am trying to be for them. But I don’t want to anymore. I am so tired.

Moving Out

A lot of people have moved out today and it feels really weird.  I don’t like it too much.  My roommate is gone and my best friend in college is leaving in a few minutes.  It feels so empty and everything is quiet.  I don’t like it.  I feel lonely again.