I am so tired. So tired of getting nowhere. One step forward, two steps back, a constant rhythmic dance to no place in particular. I have worked so hard to get to such a confused state of mind that I’m not sure what to do. I love my family and I love them so much it hurts. To even think of doing what I want to do, to even try to attempt it, I don’t know. I don’t know what they want anymore. I am deplorable. Unable to fulfill the commands of parents. Unable to decide for myself. What can I do? I am so tired. I’m making steps forward on a rocky road, but I am doing it barefoot and it hurts. It is so painful. I want to sit down and lay my head to rest, I am so tired. I just want to pursue a dream, a dream my sibling is allowed to pursue and yet I am not. In the name of education, I will risk a life of misery. But I don’t want to. And yet, how can I leave them be? To fend for themselves? To leave them here with faces of disappointment at the person I did not become and the person that I want to be. I am so tired of working so hard to get nothing done. To watch myself go into a hole. To watch as opportunities pass me by. I am so tired of living alone in a house full of people. To watch as they smile. So proud. Of who I am trying to be for them. But I don’t want to anymore. I am so tired.
Relatives are a funny thing. Family is supposed to be supportive. Blood. But yet, they can tear so easily. Rip apart the fastest. Be the most unsupportive when you need the support. Blood runs thicker than water. But water is more supportive sometimes. And sometimes, loves you even more.