My boss is dying. His timeline is down to 1-2 months. I had a nightmare that I sat by his gravestone, painting upon it memories of good times gone by. I woke up and found that his cancer came back, rearing an ugly head that once severed grows twice back. I don’t know what do anymore. Where to run, where to hide. I need rest. A moment’s break. What do I do now?
I am so tired. So tired of getting nowhere. One step forward, two steps back, a constant rhythmic dance to no place in particular. I have worked so hard to get to such a confused state of mind that I’m not sure what to do. I love my family and I love them so much it hurts. To even think of doing what I want to do, to even try to attempt it, I don’t know. I don’t know what they want anymore. I am deplorable. Unable to fulfill the commands of parents. Unable to decide for myself. What can I do? I am so tired. I’m making steps forward on a rocky road, but I am doing it barefoot and it hurts. It is so painful. I want to sit down and lay my head to rest, I am so tired. I just want to pursue a dream, a dream my sibling is allowed to pursue and yet I am not. In the name of education, I will risk a life of misery. But I don’t want to. And yet, how can I leave them be? To fend for themselves? To leave them here with faces of disappointment at the person I did not become and the person that I want to be. I am so tired of working so hard to get nothing done. To watch myself go into a hole. To watch as opportunities pass me by. I am so tired of living alone in a house full of people. To watch as they smile. So proud. Of who I am trying to be for them. But I don’t want to anymore. I am so tired.
A lot of people have moved out today and it feels really weird. I don’t like it too much. My roommate is gone and my best friend in college is leaving in a few minutes. It feels so empty and everything is quiet. I don’t like it. I feel lonely again.
I have all of my finals on one day. i go from 10 to 4 nonstop exams. No other day, just tomorrow. I feel like I am going to die.